Louisville Church Tour Part 2 of 8 - Stressed for Success
Watkins United Methodist Church
November 20, 2005
8:30 AM
Yeah, okay, so I didn’t fucking go to church last week. SOR-RY! I like to sleep in on Sunday’s and when I do get up I like to read the paper and drink coffee and eat bacon and watch CBS Sunday Morning. Yes, I’m digging this quest, this mission, this fun recon operation-spirit, but damn if it ain’t also a giant pain in the ass. Nice bet, Bill.
This church wasn’t quite as big as Northeast Christian, but it was a similar layout. The sanctuary was really big and angular, kinda like a pentagon, with seven slim stained-glass windows, which seemed more like pictures hanging on the bare white walls. Instead of stadium seating there were pews that were angled parallel to the walls and ran about 10 deep, with an aisle down the middle. Hymnals and bibles stared back at me from the nooks hanging on the backs of the pews.
I walked in right at 8:30AM and the minister was already making announcements about upcoming church events. Volunteers were needed – baked goods were required – and don’t forget to pray for Norva Erickson. The crowd was small in number and white as the walls with the exception of a little black boy in the back row of pews, who no doubt belonged to the lady playing piano.
When people saw me they smiled and really tried to make me feel welcome. The old guy at the front door nearly snickered, like, “Hey, well look at you stranger, welcome.” At the next door another old-timer gave me a warm pat on the back as I entered the sanctuary. After announcements during greet-your-neighbor time, Ms. Pam Miller was shaking my hand like she was meeting a rock star. “Looky here, Jim, we have a new face in church today.” Everybody seemed to know each other. This was a real church family.
The minister then gave the call to worship and it was a call and comeback sequence that I wasn’t entirely ready for. See, when I first walked in I hadn’t noticed the pamphlet that I was handed which had the script for the Leader and the People. It was right outta a hip-hop concert, except without the hip or the hop:
Leader: Blessed be the name of God forever, and ever, to who belongs wisdom and might.
People: He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding.
Leader: Seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.
People: For great is the lord, and greatly to be praised.
So sayeth the Shepard – so sayeth the flock.
Next I had to quickly fumble for the hymnal to find ..694 and sing an inspired bass to “Come, ye thankful people, come.” We sat back down and I thought to myself how this was about as generic and vanilla as a church service gets. It seemed so rehearsed and formal, and I noticed that most of the folks in the pews were sitting in the back. It was like a class full of high-school students who were there just because they had to be.
The minister, who seemed to be in his early fifties – very fit, and republican looking, asked the folks to share some of the reasons that were celebrating or thankful.
“Anyone, anyone?”
People were even giggling softly because nobody wanted to say anything. Finally, a lady told us all that her sister was in a bad car accident and she was thankful that she wasn’t killed. Anther lady mentioned that her sister just had surgery and was doing better. Yet another shared a hospital story and I’m getting ready to stand up and proclaim that I was pretty stoked that the Bears would be on TV at 1PM, when another guy finally stood up and saved the day. “Well, my sister has a new boyfriend that I will be meeting next week and this one has a job AND is a US Citizen and I’m mighty thankful.” This got big laughs.
The minister then called everyone to prayer again and asked those that wished to join him up at the alter and kneel down and pray with him. Only two people accepted his offer. Most seemed uncomfortable at the idea and quickly just bowed their heads. The minister then began to pray with some notes laid out before him. He went on and on and it all seemed so scripted. He did mention some of the folks in the audience by name and asked God to look after those that had just had accidents or surgery, however there were no special blessings for employed citizens going out with anyone’s sister.
We stood and sang again, this time Hymn ..697 – “America, My Country Tis of Thee” I suddenly felt like Jeff Spicoli, “Heeeeey, I know that song!” So far, after two weeks my favorite thing about church is the music. It’s fun to get together with other people and enjoy music and sing. A good way to start the week I suppose. I guess I’ve been going to church all along ‘cause that’s what the girls and I do all the time – play music and sing. The cool part about singing in church is listening to the ladies who sing really loud and in a high-pitched tone. The worst part is when they bring around the collection plate and you don’t have any cash.
I checked Jackie’s purse when I left and she didn’t have anything and I was not going to take money out of Olivia’s purse, so I just figured screw it. Well, it ended up being some little kid walking around with the plate which meant there was an old guy not far away watching every move when I waved the kid by with a “No, thanks,” as if he was gonna give me something. I need to be better prepared to tide the bowl next week.
Finally, it was time for the sermon, and damn if it wasn’t a pretty good one. The topic was holiday stress and how to avoid being worried and anxious while remaining thankful and happy. The minister mentioned that the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day was the most stressful time of the year for most people. He gave four steps for being thankful in tough times:
Worry about nothing
Pray about everything
Thank god in all things
Think about the right things
This shit was straight outta Zig Zigler, which is probably why I liked it so much. For step one, the minister spent a few moments breaking down a scientific study about worry. 40% of the stuff we worry about never happens. 30% of our worries relate to things that happened in the past. 12% are needless health issues. 10% are insignificant and petty, which leaves only 8%, which are actual concerns. We worry needlessly about stuff that isn’t important and it’s a big waste of time.
Hear-Hear!!! This was cool too because right in front of me was a couple about my age and all though this the woman was shaking her head as if to say, “Oh, you make it sound so easy, how can I not worry about every little fucking thing in my life?” A few moments later her husband starts pointing at her and shaking his finger at her, and now she’s really shaking her head. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud or stand and say, “the devil is among us,” while pointing at her. “She mocks your words, Mr. Preacher Man! Shall we stone her?” Stupid fat bitch, uh, I mean – poor creature.
Next the minister challenged the flock in step two to pray about these things rather than worry – unload on the lord. If people would spend this time praying instead of worrying, it would take less time and they would be far less stressful for it. I think the Covey people call this stepping out of the circle of concern and moving into a more active role where you feel like you are actually doing something about your problems rather than just fretting over them. It was funny too, ‘cause the minister said that nothing was off limits. Car payments, post-nasal drip (he really said it), baking, whatever – there are no rules for prayer. This reminded me of the Saturday Night Live skit where the lady asks God to help her make a good apple pie and Jesus shows up and says that he and God are a little too busy to help her with her fucking apple pie, so fuck off.
What the minister didn’t say however was that prayer alone is not going to help you with that car payment, but I think this is one of those cases where getting people to feel more positively about their problems is half the battle. It empowers them and gets them charged up and ready to do what it takes to get the funds to pay for the car. I suppose that prayer gets you to make mental notes and form a loose plan. When I feel anxious about something I usually pull out a piece of paper and map out a plan. I guess the only difference is that my bullet points don’t all roll up to Good lord please give me the strength to…
Step 3 is about being thankful in all things – not for all things – but in all things. He said this is what separates good Christians and the lunatic televangelists on TV. I’m not thankful for my wife getting cancer or for losing my job. But I can still be thankful in those times. Basically, he’s asking folks to look at what they take for granted and be thankful. Don’t look at what you have lost, but look at what’s left. This is a positive message that I love to drop on people at work. Hate your job huh? They pay you don’t they? You have health insurance and vacation and climate control and a comfy chair. What is your problem, you have everything?
Funny, but when I got home from church I saw Deepok Chopra on CNN talking about the very same thing. So much to be thankful for, and in the times of stress and worry, it’s a great way to get yourself out of those shitty moods.
Seriously, I don’t think most people do this enough, especially in the good old USA. We take much for granted and assume we are owed everything just for being born here - the cliché tale of a spoiled rich kid who never learns the meaning of a dollar. We want and want and want and when we don’t get the littlest things, well, the sky is fucking falling and fast. I really try to do this, and all it takes is a few thoughts of my family and how fucking good we have it, and I’m out of my funk. It works.
Finally, step four was about staying positive and thinking about the right things. What you put in your mind is what you get out of life. He kinda lost me here, though, because he went out of his way to say that many people look to drugs and alcohol and illicit sex and yoga and… Wait, did he say yoga? What the fuck is wrong with yoga? Anyway, he got back on stress and made mention that the root cause of stress is what we choose to think about. Really, steps 3 and 4 are very similar. Instead of “Woe is me,” we should all be exclaiming “fantastic, fantastic.” There are a lot of things we can’t control, and to fret over them incessantly is going to kill us a little more each day. Sure, it’s not really fucking fantastic when you get cut-off in traffic, but what are you gonna do about it - it’s over, let it go.
We sang one more song before being dismissed for PE and I gathered up my camera and notebook. Ms Pam Miller came over and thanked me again for coming. She was on her toes trying hard not to scare me off, but I could tell she just wanted to ask me a million questions. “I don’t want to, to, smother you, but…” “That’s okay,” I told her, “what’s on your mind?” She asked about me and my family and why I was there. I told here that I was sort of touring churches and writing about my experience. Sensing she was into this, and not wanting to make a mockery of her faith I gave her what she wanted:
“See, Miss Miller, I find that many people don’t listen, they just hear. I find that taking notes during the sermon and then writing about it later and mixing the message with my own personal experience really makes the whole thing that much more meaningful to me.”
“Oh, can I just bottle you up and take you to my high-school English class,” she said excitedly. “I’d really like to read what you write about this experience.” I thought to myself how that might not be such a good idea, and really could be offensive as I offered, “We’ll see how it turns out.”
I made my way into the lobby with three things on my mind that I wanted to mention to the minister. First, I wanted to share my feelings about worry. About how even for the 8% of worry that has to do with actual concerns we are still wasting our time. Often we spend a lot of time worrying about something and we actually suffer much more than when the event even happens. I’ve said it before; many of us will have died a thousand times before we even get the chance.
I also wanted to bust his balls about dissing yoga. I wanted to tell him that; staying positive; and being thankful; and avoiding stress and worry are all good for the mind and body. However, being physically stress free, and limber and finding that stillness inside of us can also help to reduce stress and worry too. OM, motherfucker, OM…
Finally, I wanted to ask him if he had heard or read any Zig Zigler lately, ‘cause I gotta admit, some of his sermon seemed to quote Zig verbatim.
So I stood in line to say my peace before leaving, and then I noticed another line forming.
People were lining up to talk to me.
First it was Wilbur who walked up and said to another lady who was trying to talk to him, “Wait, wait, I’ll talk to you in a second. First I want to talk to this young man.” We exchanged pleasantries and he leaned in close and asked me to say my last name again, no doubt trying to find out what the fuck I was – jew or gentile. He couldn’t tell and didn’t ask again. He just welcomed me and asked where I lived and said he hoped to see me again.
Next in line was another minister from a Methodist Church in North Carolina who was in town visiting his parents for the holidays. He said he saw me writing and asked what that was all about. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I lost a bet, so I just said I was touring churches and writing about my experience. He asked if I was on a quest, or if I was a journalist, and I said, no, it was just a personal thing. We talked about Northeast Christian and he said they have a big slide over there for the kids. I didn’t really understand but that’s all the more reason to take the kids over there when my tour is done.
Before I got a chance to greet all my followers I had finally reached the end of the line. Well, I didn’t want to bust the minister’s ballz. I mean, I did, but I didn’t. So I just shared my feelings about worry and left. I took a couple pictures of the church and made my way to the store to buy some sirloin steak for tacos for lunch and some bacon for breakfast. I ate a lot of bacon after church and it was fucking good. In fact…
Dear God, please give my arteries the strength to withstand this recent influx of cholesterol. You who hath numbered every hair on my head, surely you have the power to thin out the fat that attempts to clog my bloodstream. Please, dude. (And trust me - I’ll hit the tiding plate hard next week) And, God, please forgive me if I pass on traditional services going forward if at all possible. They’re just too boring, bro.
Yours truly, Rob
November 20, 2005
8:30 AM
Yeah, okay, so I didn’t fucking go to church last week. SOR-RY! I like to sleep in on Sunday’s and when I do get up I like to read the paper and drink coffee and eat bacon and watch CBS Sunday Morning. Yes, I’m digging this quest, this mission, this fun recon operation-spirit, but damn if it ain’t also a giant pain in the ass. Nice bet, Bill.
This church wasn’t quite as big as Northeast Christian, but it was a similar layout. The sanctuary was really big and angular, kinda like a pentagon, with seven slim stained-glass windows, which seemed more like pictures hanging on the bare white walls. Instead of stadium seating there were pews that were angled parallel to the walls and ran about 10 deep, with an aisle down the middle. Hymnals and bibles stared back at me from the nooks hanging on the backs of the pews.
I walked in right at 8:30AM and the minister was already making announcements about upcoming church events. Volunteers were needed – baked goods were required – and don’t forget to pray for Norva Erickson. The crowd was small in number and white as the walls with the exception of a little black boy in the back row of pews, who no doubt belonged to the lady playing piano.
When people saw me they smiled and really tried to make me feel welcome. The old guy at the front door nearly snickered, like, “Hey, well look at you stranger, welcome.” At the next door another old-timer gave me a warm pat on the back as I entered the sanctuary. After announcements during greet-your-neighbor time, Ms. Pam Miller was shaking my hand like she was meeting a rock star. “Looky here, Jim, we have a new face in church today.” Everybody seemed to know each other. This was a real church family.
The minister then gave the call to worship and it was a call and comeback sequence that I wasn’t entirely ready for. See, when I first walked in I hadn’t noticed the pamphlet that I was handed which had the script for the Leader and the People. It was right outta a hip-hop concert, except without the hip or the hop:
Leader: Blessed be the name of God forever, and ever, to who belongs wisdom and might.
People: He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding.
Leader: Seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.
People: For great is the lord, and greatly to be praised.
So sayeth the Shepard – so sayeth the flock.
Next I had to quickly fumble for the hymnal to find ..694 and sing an inspired bass to “Come, ye thankful people, come.” We sat back down and I thought to myself how this was about as generic and vanilla as a church service gets. It seemed so rehearsed and formal, and I noticed that most of the folks in the pews were sitting in the back. It was like a class full of high-school students who were there just because they had to be.
The minister, who seemed to be in his early fifties – very fit, and republican looking, asked the folks to share some of the reasons that were celebrating or thankful.
“Anyone, anyone?”
People were even giggling softly because nobody wanted to say anything. Finally, a lady told us all that her sister was in a bad car accident and she was thankful that she wasn’t killed. Anther lady mentioned that her sister just had surgery and was doing better. Yet another shared a hospital story and I’m getting ready to stand up and proclaim that I was pretty stoked that the Bears would be on TV at 1PM, when another guy finally stood up and saved the day. “Well, my sister has a new boyfriend that I will be meeting next week and this one has a job AND is a US Citizen and I’m mighty thankful.” This got big laughs.
The minister then called everyone to prayer again and asked those that wished to join him up at the alter and kneel down and pray with him. Only two people accepted his offer. Most seemed uncomfortable at the idea and quickly just bowed their heads. The minister then began to pray with some notes laid out before him. He went on and on and it all seemed so scripted. He did mention some of the folks in the audience by name and asked God to look after those that had just had accidents or surgery, however there were no special blessings for employed citizens going out with anyone’s sister.
We stood and sang again, this time Hymn ..697 – “America, My Country Tis of Thee” I suddenly felt like Jeff Spicoli, “Heeeeey, I know that song!” So far, after two weeks my favorite thing about church is the music. It’s fun to get together with other people and enjoy music and sing. A good way to start the week I suppose. I guess I’ve been going to church all along ‘cause that’s what the girls and I do all the time – play music and sing. The cool part about singing in church is listening to the ladies who sing really loud and in a high-pitched tone. The worst part is when they bring around the collection plate and you don’t have any cash.
I checked Jackie’s purse when I left and she didn’t have anything and I was not going to take money out of Olivia’s purse, so I just figured screw it. Well, it ended up being some little kid walking around with the plate which meant there was an old guy not far away watching every move when I waved the kid by with a “No, thanks,” as if he was gonna give me something. I need to be better prepared to tide the bowl next week.
Finally, it was time for the sermon, and damn if it wasn’t a pretty good one. The topic was holiday stress and how to avoid being worried and anxious while remaining thankful and happy. The minister mentioned that the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day was the most stressful time of the year for most people. He gave four steps for being thankful in tough times:
Worry about nothing
Pray about everything
Thank god in all things
Think about the right things
This shit was straight outta Zig Zigler, which is probably why I liked it so much. For step one, the minister spent a few moments breaking down a scientific study about worry. 40% of the stuff we worry about never happens. 30% of our worries relate to things that happened in the past. 12% are needless health issues. 10% are insignificant and petty, which leaves only 8%, which are actual concerns. We worry needlessly about stuff that isn’t important and it’s a big waste of time.
Hear-Hear!!! This was cool too because right in front of me was a couple about my age and all though this the woman was shaking her head as if to say, “Oh, you make it sound so easy, how can I not worry about every little fucking thing in my life?” A few moments later her husband starts pointing at her and shaking his finger at her, and now she’s really shaking her head. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud or stand and say, “the devil is among us,” while pointing at her. “She mocks your words, Mr. Preacher Man! Shall we stone her?” Stupid fat bitch, uh, I mean – poor creature.
Next the minister challenged the flock in step two to pray about these things rather than worry – unload on the lord. If people would spend this time praying instead of worrying, it would take less time and they would be far less stressful for it. I think the Covey people call this stepping out of the circle of concern and moving into a more active role where you feel like you are actually doing something about your problems rather than just fretting over them. It was funny too, ‘cause the minister said that nothing was off limits. Car payments, post-nasal drip (he really said it), baking, whatever – there are no rules for prayer. This reminded me of the Saturday Night Live skit where the lady asks God to help her make a good apple pie and Jesus shows up and says that he and God are a little too busy to help her with her fucking apple pie, so fuck off.
What the minister didn’t say however was that prayer alone is not going to help you with that car payment, but I think this is one of those cases where getting people to feel more positively about their problems is half the battle. It empowers them and gets them charged up and ready to do what it takes to get the funds to pay for the car. I suppose that prayer gets you to make mental notes and form a loose plan. When I feel anxious about something I usually pull out a piece of paper and map out a plan. I guess the only difference is that my bullet points don’t all roll up to Good lord please give me the strength to…
Step 3 is about being thankful in all things – not for all things – but in all things. He said this is what separates good Christians and the lunatic televangelists on TV. I’m not thankful for my wife getting cancer or for losing my job. But I can still be thankful in those times. Basically, he’s asking folks to look at what they take for granted and be thankful. Don’t look at what you have lost, but look at what’s left. This is a positive message that I love to drop on people at work. Hate your job huh? They pay you don’t they? You have health insurance and vacation and climate control and a comfy chair. What is your problem, you have everything?
Funny, but when I got home from church I saw Deepok Chopra on CNN talking about the very same thing. So much to be thankful for, and in the times of stress and worry, it’s a great way to get yourself out of those shitty moods.
Seriously, I don’t think most people do this enough, especially in the good old USA. We take much for granted and assume we are owed everything just for being born here - the cliché tale of a spoiled rich kid who never learns the meaning of a dollar. We want and want and want and when we don’t get the littlest things, well, the sky is fucking falling and fast. I really try to do this, and all it takes is a few thoughts of my family and how fucking good we have it, and I’m out of my funk. It works.
Finally, step four was about staying positive and thinking about the right things. What you put in your mind is what you get out of life. He kinda lost me here, though, because he went out of his way to say that many people look to drugs and alcohol and illicit sex and yoga and… Wait, did he say yoga? What the fuck is wrong with yoga? Anyway, he got back on stress and made mention that the root cause of stress is what we choose to think about. Really, steps 3 and 4 are very similar. Instead of “Woe is me,” we should all be exclaiming “fantastic, fantastic.” There are a lot of things we can’t control, and to fret over them incessantly is going to kill us a little more each day. Sure, it’s not really fucking fantastic when you get cut-off in traffic, but what are you gonna do about it - it’s over, let it go.
We sang one more song before being dismissed for PE and I gathered up my camera and notebook. Ms Pam Miller came over and thanked me again for coming. She was on her toes trying hard not to scare me off, but I could tell she just wanted to ask me a million questions. “I don’t want to, to, smother you, but…” “That’s okay,” I told her, “what’s on your mind?” She asked about me and my family and why I was there. I told here that I was sort of touring churches and writing about my experience. Sensing she was into this, and not wanting to make a mockery of her faith I gave her what she wanted:
“See, Miss Miller, I find that many people don’t listen, they just hear. I find that taking notes during the sermon and then writing about it later and mixing the message with my own personal experience really makes the whole thing that much more meaningful to me.”
“Oh, can I just bottle you up and take you to my high-school English class,” she said excitedly. “I’d really like to read what you write about this experience.” I thought to myself how that might not be such a good idea, and really could be offensive as I offered, “We’ll see how it turns out.”
I made my way into the lobby with three things on my mind that I wanted to mention to the minister. First, I wanted to share my feelings about worry. About how even for the 8% of worry that has to do with actual concerns we are still wasting our time. Often we spend a lot of time worrying about something and we actually suffer much more than when the event even happens. I’ve said it before; many of us will have died a thousand times before we even get the chance.
I also wanted to bust his balls about dissing yoga. I wanted to tell him that; staying positive; and being thankful; and avoiding stress and worry are all good for the mind and body. However, being physically stress free, and limber and finding that stillness inside of us can also help to reduce stress and worry too. OM, motherfucker, OM…
Finally, I wanted to ask him if he had heard or read any Zig Zigler lately, ‘cause I gotta admit, some of his sermon seemed to quote Zig verbatim.
So I stood in line to say my peace before leaving, and then I noticed another line forming.
People were lining up to talk to me.
First it was Wilbur who walked up and said to another lady who was trying to talk to him, “Wait, wait, I’ll talk to you in a second. First I want to talk to this young man.” We exchanged pleasantries and he leaned in close and asked me to say my last name again, no doubt trying to find out what the fuck I was – jew or gentile. He couldn’t tell and didn’t ask again. He just welcomed me and asked where I lived and said he hoped to see me again.
Next in line was another minister from a Methodist Church in North Carolina who was in town visiting his parents for the holidays. He said he saw me writing and asked what that was all about. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I lost a bet, so I just said I was touring churches and writing about my experience. He asked if I was on a quest, or if I was a journalist, and I said, no, it was just a personal thing. We talked about Northeast Christian and he said they have a big slide over there for the kids. I didn’t really understand but that’s all the more reason to take the kids over there when my tour is done.
Before I got a chance to greet all my followers I had finally reached the end of the line. Well, I didn’t want to bust the minister’s ballz. I mean, I did, but I didn’t. So I just shared my feelings about worry and left. I took a couple pictures of the church and made my way to the store to buy some sirloin steak for tacos for lunch and some bacon for breakfast. I ate a lot of bacon after church and it was fucking good. In fact…
Dear God, please give my arteries the strength to withstand this recent influx of cholesterol. You who hath numbered every hair on my head, surely you have the power to thin out the fat that attempts to clog my bloodstream. Please, dude. (And trust me - I’ll hit the tiding plate hard next week) And, God, please forgive me if I pass on traditional services going forward if at all possible. They’re just too boring, bro.
Yours truly, Rob
posted by Tsahkratis at 6:57 AM
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